F#@% THIS…Two words that continuously flash across my mind’s eye in the harshest tone of magenta you can imagine. When I allow myself to sink into the black hole that is the overwhelming amount of housework, homework, and self-work that I am supposed to fit into the six free hours in my weekend, those words are all I can see. Moments like this remind me of the eight years behind me when the only way I knew how to cope with the merciless tornado we call life was to jam my fingernails and the balls of my feet into its sides and hold on. Often, when all I could see anymore was that angry F-all message, I would even stick my face in. Unfortunately, temporarily hiding from my problems only allowed for more to appear when I wasn’t looking. There is no doubt about it, life is just NOT easy. I finally caught a break though when I began to explore a new way to brave those vicious whirlwinds; and as it turns out, the secret to getting a grip on life is quite simple: Instead of letting all of my work obligations (and etcetera) swallow me whole, I work to change the words on the flashing magenta sign with a simple trick-of-the-mind they call positive self talk.

Imagine you are sitting in your classroom. It is presentation day and you are next in line to make a speech. You’ve worked hard to prepare, but your stomach is still doing flips because, let’s face it, it is rarely easy to perform in front of a group of scrupulous peers. Now the student before you has finished, there is scattered, but polite, applause and the teacher calls your name. Imagine that the words F--- THIS begin to flash in front of you. The magenta color is awfully distracting and the brightness of the letters makes it extremely hard to see the really-not-so-terrifying reality of the situation. What do you feel in that moment? My fight or flight instinct would be willing me to get the F--- OUT! Once you’ve got a good idea of what your reaction would be to that harsh, self-procured message, try changing the words that you see. Instead of F--- THIS, imagine that the entire scenario is the same except that the words on the sign say, “YOU GOT THIS.” Now how do you feel?

Positive self-talk is a form of mindful and conscious thought that uses specifically chosen language to help re-train an individual’s mind so that he or she can more easily connect with and relate to a more positive view of each individual circumstance. The idea of this specific discourse is that creating and repeating a mantra or mantras will help to increase a person’s self esteem, motivation, self-respect, and overall outlook on the world around them. For all intents and purposes, self-talk is a coping mechanism for the challenges that life so readily has to offer, though the people who are in the habit of positively framing their words would probably choose to replace “coping mechanism” with a more self empowering label. In any case, positive self-talk is becoming increasingly popular as a simple, healthy, and meaningful way to enhance anyone’s quality of life.

The learned life skill is guaranteed to help any and all people, no matter how unique and frightful their pasts and futures might appear. Professional athletes can use it to amp themselves up before a game, doctors and psychologists will suggest it as a form of treatment, parents can use it to remain calm in a trying situation with their children, and students can boost both their self esteem and their test scores. Each of these people has a number of phrases to choose from, ranging from a general, “You’re great,” to a very specific, “you have all the intelligence and knowledge you need to ace that quiz,” each and every one acting as a reminder to themselves that they “got this.”

            If you type "positive self-talk" into a Google or YouTube search bar, you will come across all sorts of websites, blogs and images created specifically to support the strength of your person-hood. In order to make positive self-talk work for you, you just need to be willing to try to re-word your self-talk so that you are looking at your situation from a more positive perspective. Just like everyone else, you are solely entitled to the feeling that you can handle anything.

Here are a few examples of images that can apply to and help anyone who chooses to adopt them as their own thinking:

Kristi McCracken, long-time teacher and the author of “Growth Mindset, self-talk and state testing” in The Porterville Reporter, suggests that, “Instead of saying, ‘I made a mistake and really messed up,’ students can say, ‘Mistakes can help me learn.’” She takes a negative, blameful statement and turns it around to reflect one positive thing that a mistake can offer you. You can read the full article here: http://www.recorderonline.com/opinion/growth-mindset-self-talk-state-testing/article_eebdfe04-89e3-11e6-9868-076de2a94780.html

On the topic of parenting, Katie Hurley of the Washington Post suggests that, when faced with a high-stress situation where a child is acting out, a parent might remind themselves that their child’s behavior is actually saying something else by saying out loud, “My child needs me right now…I am capable of handling this.” The mother in this example could easily lose control and yell at or spank her child, however Hurley's suggestion provides the mother with the chance to take a breath and engage in an interaction with her child fueled by support, patience and understanding. The positivity that this self-talk encourages provides for a much more peaceful circumstance. The article with this example is here: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2016/10/12/remaining-calm-when-dealing-with-tantrums-is-a-skill-heres-how-to-get-it/

Countless Ted Talks speak of the importance of self-love and how to increase motivation and happiness, successfulness and so-on. Incidentally, quite a number of these talks offer positive self-talk as a suggestion to help cultivate these things. Here is an example:"The Space Between Self-Esteem and SelF Compassion" by Kristin Neff

In this talk, starting at 12:00 minutes, Kristin explains a little bit of the biology that makes self talk work. She says, "we release...the feel good hormones...and when we feel safe and comforted we are in the optimal mind state to do our best." She then moves on to an example of a dialogue between a father and son and points out that the negative language the father might use: "harsh criticism [like] 'I'm ashamed of you, what a loser, you'll never amount to anything,' is the same language we might use with ourselves.” She gives an example of a "compassionate approach" and states that research suggests using this positive language with ourselves is "strongly related to mental well-being [and] life satisfaction."

            There are plenty of examples that support the credibility of positive self-talk. Mental health specialists, scientific articles, and personal accounts, as well as all of the websites and images devoted to the value of positive self-talk make it clear that there are numerous benefits that come from changing the way you talk to yourself. In each example, the language that is chosen by the participants of this discourse works to convey a straightforward message-- accept yourself. Love yourself, support yourself, have trust in the decisions you make for yourself and have faith that you are creating a life that is tried and true. I don't know anyone who wouldn't benefit from well-being and satisfaction, nor can I think of someone that prefers being harshly criticized over being lovingly supported. So why is it that we tend to be so hard on ourselves? Why isn't positive self-talk something everyone does automatically to self-sooth and support themselves? Why is it so much easier to give support to others, and why do so many people fall under the category of self-loathing? Such a feeling makes it nearly impossible to give ourselves the respect and love we so desperately yearn for and cherish from others.

It is such a positive and beautiful value to have—to love yourself. There is so much evidence that it is the healthiest way to go about your day to day; and yet, it is rare that you meet someone who can truthfully and easily say, “Yes, I do love myself.” Most won’t even entertain an inkling that it is okay to accept themselves without a little nudge from someone who is either knowledgeable in the field of mental health or has clearly figured out for themselves that saying “I got this,” rather than “F--- this,” allows for a much more pleasant and positive existence. But it is proven to work. After examining the countless essays, articles and Ted Talks there can be no doubt that a life experience will be much more positive and fulfilled when positive self talk is put into practice. So why is there so much resistance to allowing ourselves to catch a break? Why isn’t this seemingly flawless and positive way of being something that is a given amongst humans? No one likes to struggle. No one in their right mind wants to hate him or herself. The evidence rings clear in the endless cries for help and examples of struggle that riddle the Internet and sicken the world.

            If you take a look at the research, just another Google search away, there are actually plenty of reasons why people struggle with this seemingly simple task. Dr. Christina Hibbert, a clinical psychologist and mother of 6, writes in her article titled “Discovering Self Worth: Why is it so hard to love ourselves,” “I’ve given a lot of thought to this question over the years, because the number one issue I see in my psychology practice is a struggle with self-worth. People may come in for help with depression, anxiety, relationships, or parenting, but underlying these challenges is almost always ‘low self-esteem,’ a struggle to love oneself… it still makes me cringe each time I hear someone say, ‘I don’t know how to love myself,’ or ‘I try to believe it, but deep down, I don’t feel my self-worth.’ I cringe a lot.” She goes on to explain that her research and observations have offered her three main conclusions: “Our experiences don’t match what we are told or shown in the world. We hear, ‘You are of worth,’ ‘Each soul has infinite value,’ ‘We are all beautiful, talented, amazing, in our own way,’ and we may even believe it–for a while. Then, we go out into the harsh world where our beauty and talent are compared to others, where we are judged, and where we learn to judge ourselves…we tend to pay more attention to negative experiences than positive ones.  

            In psychology focusing on the negative is called ‘The Negativity Bias,’ and it means that we humans are much more likely to remember and hold to the negatives of life than the positives…and, because of our negative experiences with self esteem and negativity bias, we don’t trust ourselves. ” If we don’t trust ourselves, then why would we attempt to tell ourselves anything in the first place, let alone tell ourselves positive things? In this day and age, no matter where we live or who we are, we are constantly competing with others and with time. There is no initiative to pause for a second and give ourselves self assurance because time is of the essence and assurance in life is hard to come by.  

Christina’s full article: http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/discovering-self-worth-why-is-it-so-hard-to-love-ourselves/

            This link, http://www.psychalive.org/i-hate-myself/ provides more insight on the epidemic of self-loathing. The article titled “Why Do I Hate Myself?” claims that “In their research, psychologists Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone found that the most common self-critical thought among a diverse population of subjects tested is ‘You are different from other people.’” A thought like this is not negative when viewed from its absolute value, but today’s society is so critical and cutthroat that even uniqueness is viewed as a reason to dislike yourself. This is why it is so important to tell yourself a simple phrase like, “I am worth it.” Such a positive statement leaves no room for the question of self worth.

            In a blog on The Boston Review website, Jennifer Silva explains how blaming ourselves has become an accepted way to reason. She says that, “Freedom and dignity have become intertwined with personal responsibility—and blame is our new rallying cry…” Silva noticed that “blame [is] deployed in everyday life to solve problems—to anchor the self, judge worthiness, grant dignity, and make sense of failures…blame is a strategy to make certain what is uncertain.” And what is there to trust if not certainty? When read in these words, it seems silly to think that self-blame and self-hatred are qualities that people choose to deem certain. Yet there is plenty of evidence to suggest that it is true – that people choose to believe that they are in fact to blame, that they are different and that is wrong, and that they cannot trust themselves. What a negative picture to paint of yourself. How detrimental it must be to self-esteem and to our standard of living to allow for such destructive self-talk.

So why not turn it around? Would it not be a relief to take away the blame, to relish in your uniqueness and to trust yourself? After all, there is no one in this world that knows you better than you. And by that knowledge, there is no one who could love you for who you are more righteously. So go ahead and try it! Open your heart and trust that you are good and you deserve love. Religion teaches it, my therapist teaches it, even my mother tried to tell it to me – “I love you, Aria…you deserve the world.” So love yourself! Flash those bright magenta words over and over, “YOU GOT THIS!” Because just like everybody else in this world, whether you believe it yet or not, you are worth it. You deserve happiness, so allow yourself the joy of positive self-talk.